awkward moments tend to follow me.

oh hey morgan.

 remember how awkward this thanksgiving weekend has been? yeah, someday you will look back and laugh but for now you can be weirded out. boys will be boys, right? just remember what truly matters. always remember to be honest and kind and treat others with respect. remember to act like the age that you are. you are not in high school anymore! find the blessings and answers that you receive in the awkward moments and walk away knowing that you are going to be blessed and become an even better person than you were before because your prayers have been answered hard core. awesome. oh, and hey...keep your chin up. the only way to look is up!

love you, you're great.
sincerely,

morgan

if only.

i have been quite bitter on this thanksgiving day. i am grateful for the opportunity to spend time with the family but i feel like a part of me is missing. my other half. he's another continent away and i can't help but miss him. someone who comforts me and understands where i am coming from. lately i have felt really unstable with all of the changes that others are going through around me. i like to feel in control of my life and so when i feel like there is a loss of control i feel "off." basically, i just miss bry and i wish time would speed up a little bit. if only, if only.

thankful.

I can be nothing less than grateful at this time of year. I am grateful for those pilgrims and indians way back when (especially indians hahahaha). Anyways, as I have been walking around school I have thought of a list of super tiny things that I am grateful for. They are as follows:

1. Getting out of class early
2. Class getting cancelled
3. Being able to wear a jacket and sweat pants to school
4. The moment you put on your iPod and a song comes on that makes you feel like you are walking down the street and starring in a movie
5. Bryant
6. Watching someone give up their seat on the light rail for someone else
7. My grandparents
8. Attentive people who not only notice something has changed about you but then they compliment you as well (i have some pretty great friends)
9. getting interviews for PT school
10. sleeping in
11. best friends that live far away but once they get back your relationship picks up right where it left off
12. the scriptures
13. My mom & dad
14. The Kings
15. My favorite color--turquoise!!
16. Access to the internet
17. My sister & brother
18. Laughing
19. Tender mercies from my Heavenly Father
20. The ability to see others as Christ sees them

The Lord works in mysterious ways.

It's 8 am and I am a crying baby. What happened to me this morning? Let me tell you..

My alarm went off way too early this morning. As I was going to sleep last night I made the final decision to get up and go to the temple. Once I heard the alarm jingle I thought it couldn't possibly be almost 7 am! Didn't I just go to sleep a few minutes before this?? Yes, I am a drama queen, and I got a full 7 hours of sleep.

I got up and out of bed, brushed my teeth, got dressed, and was out the door by 7:20. I was a little bit bothered with myself that it took me that long to get moving. I pulled up to the temple to be greeted by the friendly temple workers. Oh how I'd missed this place! Each time I go to the temple I pray and pray that I will have the spirit with me. That I will be able to get something out of it. Usually it results in a small revelation and I wouldn't trade that for the world. I went about doing confirmations and baptisms and tried to think of the great opportunity I was being able to provide for other families.

I finished, got dressed once more, and left the dressing room with soaking wet hair dripping down my back and shoulders. I smiled and thanked everyone that I walked by. I got to the desk to drop of my little name tag thing when all of the sudden I heard quietly to my right, "Morgan? Morgan is that you?" I looked over to the waiting room to see a familiar face.  It was the sister that I had done family names for a few months ago. I was shocked, literally there were no words in my brain at the moment. I walked over and greeted her as she sat with her youngest son on her lap. I hadn't met him before but once he heard my name he looked up at his mom with his beautiful green eyes and said, "Mom, THIS is Morgan?" I looked at him a little bit confused. Why would he know my name? Why would he have a clue who I was? She immediately replied, "Baby, this is THE Morgan." She turned to me and said, "Sweetheart, your name has been whispered so much around my house that I thought your ears would have been buzzing by now." I was taken back and could only smile and thank her so much. We exchanged phone numbers and I was on my way home.

I walked out into the parking lot. Tears filled my eyes. How did I get SO blessed to experience a blessing this great?! Why me? I felt so grateful, loved, and blessed as I walked out to my car. I thought back to the first time that I met her. She told me she would see me again. She had no doubt in her mind. I never thought anything of it except for the fact that I didn't know her name whatsoever and had none of her information. How likely would I run into this sister again?

God works in mysterious ways, and I feel blessed that I get to learn and grow from them. Sometimes I want to plan my life out and start achieving my goals, but the Lord knows best. Always remember, the Lord has a plan for you and I. He loves us and because of this, I cannot ask for anything more.

Looking into his eyes

I walked in the door to look up finding the familiar, light blue eyes looking back at me. He didn't even try to put on his half grin like he normally does. I looked at him again, taking in all of the details of his face. His brows were furrowed, his eyes looked sad. I knew he was in pain and it hurt my heart just looking at him. Standing in his presence I could feel that he was in pain and in that moment I felt so helpless. How could I make it better? What could I do for him?

I can't help but think of those who sat in the streets and watched the Savior suffer the hardest pain of the world. His followers who felt so helpless. Those who watched him suffer and could only let Him hang on the cross. Our Savior, Jesus Christ, loves us so much that he died for us. As I looked into Grandpa's eyes tonight for a brief moment as I saw him suffering there, I saw my Savior who had suffered this very specific pain for Grandpa.

What a comfort it is to know of the plan of salvation. We are blessed to be together with our families forever through the sealing power of the temple. I bear testimony that true happiness comes from living righteous lives and being part of a family unit that all works together to get back to our loving Heavenly Father. I can't wait for the day that I get to meet my older brother and hug Him as tight as I can and thank Him for his loving sacrifice. But, I know that for now I can get on my knees and pray every day and thank Him for this great blessing. The gospel is real--I know it, and I hope that others can know it too.

"we're gonna win.."

The doorbell rang just past 5:30. Again, and again. I heard the door swing open and a familiar voice started to speak. I walked out of my room to peer around the corner to find his reflection in the glass pane of the picture frame. Uncle Donald. Great Uncle Donald. In his hands he held his mail, his trembling hands shaking uncontrollably. He walked up to Grandpa sitting at the counter eating his chicken noodle soup and told him that he looked real good, as good as he could get. Above the rustling of his mail in his shaking hand I listened closely to his words. "We're gonna win. I don't know what we're gonna win at but we'll win." 

He stood there talking for a little bit longer to decide to leave once again. As he walked out the door he quietly spoke to Grandpa, "Hang in there buddy, you're the only thing that's got me still going." The words of an older brother to his younger brother. The love lingering from what he had to say. 

We are all winning. Yeah, life is hard. There are temporal trials that we have to deal with each day. We become stressed, anxious, impatient, and maybe even cry a time or two. The truth of the matter is that we are winners. We are blessed that we have a Savior who died for our sins. He allowed us to come to earth through His atoning sacrifice. We have bodies. We get to experience sorrows so that our joyous times will mean even more to us. Grandpa, we'll always win. We get to be together as a family for eternity--with that being said, we can never lose. 

today was the first day that i heard that your heart hurt. tomorrow it will be 5 months since you have been gone and the whole time you have been gone i haven't heard you complain, whine, or say anything negative about your experience. as i read those words of your heart hurting it took me to another place. i don't know how to describe it other than my heart started hurting for you. i am so proud of the way you handled your hurt. i am so proud that you are even more dedicated than before. i never thought that was possible. you are the most faithful missionary i have ever met and i know that you will be blessed more than ever for it. someday you'll make the best husband and father. you'll be a good provider because the Lord is teaching you how to do it right now. 5 months has never felt so long before but it's a start. it's crazy how many times in my life i feel as though i have been through experiences that have taught me patience. i obviously still have learned nothing as i sit here and anxiously think about how long you've been gone, and when you'll be back. somedays aren't as bad as others, but this past week, i have missed you a lot. i wake up in the morning missing you. i go a whole day without getting a text message and wish that you were here because i know you'd be the one to send me one. my heart is full and heavy. i am blessed because of you. you're wonderful, don't you ever forget it.

all i want to do is write.

sometimes i sit in silence and just think. think about my life right now and where i am heading. think about who i am and who i want to be. this semester in school truly has been life changing for me. i have become closer with people in my major and it is sad to think this  really is my last semester being around them all. i sit here and think of everyone else's stories around me. two years ago, some of their situations were thought to turn out totally different. it scares me seeing things not go as planned. Heavenly Father knows what he is doing but sometimes it is hard to trust that His plan is the best plan when you think you have it all figured out for yourself. i have been thinking about B a whole lot these last two days. i just miss him. sometimes i close my eyes and pretend he's right by my side. sometimes that makes me feel a little bit better for a few minutes. i wish i didn't have to live off of old memories to keep going strong but sometimes that is all there is to hold onto. i compare situations that i am right now with others and i compare them to how different it would be if Bry was the one on the other end instead. he is so sweet to me. you know you truly have someone special when you look at what you had and know that he was perfect for you. yeah, we had our off days but when it comes down to it, we just go together. i know this, he knows this and hopefully in 19 months, we'll both know it too. oh life, why are you so complicated??

almost 5.

On Tuesday of this week it will mark 5 months since Bryant has been on his mission. Time could not have gone by more slowly, but it feels like a dent has finally been made somewhat. I never wanted to be the girl that sits at home, cries, or counts down til the day the missionary comes home. At the beginning of this journey the Lord sent me a blessing in disguise. He sent Bryant off to the MTC 4 days before I left to Peru for a month. Never in a million years did I realize it was a blessing until I made it back home and realized how much I missed him. I look back and think about the day he opened his mission call. I was so bitter when I heard the date was 4 1/2 months in the future. I was sad, angry, and bugged that he was going to be around that long--never did I take the time to see the bright side of things. Now, I know why he didn't leave until then. I would have been even more of a hot mess, if that's even possible.

Bryant, I miss you. You truly are my best friend. I guess I somewhat throw the "best friend" term around but when it comes down to it, you're mine. I look back at our relationship and I love what he had. I love how I feel when I am around you. I want to be better. I love knowing that you actually care about me. I love the way I would catch you looking at me. I love that you are a big brother to my siblings. I love your big heart! What's there not to love about you? Someday I hope I can read back on these thoughts and feelings and know that all along I knew how my life would turn out. I would like to be able to think that I know what me and you had wasn't some high school fling. You are my everything. Grandpa J was right, I had a plan for you, and I still do. I love you, B.

freak out.

Lately I have only posted very serious posts. I feel like my blog has become boring, not that it really matters because I write in it for my benefit. Anyways, I was thinking about what I have been up to lately and I decided that I wanted to write down one of my most embarrassing moments of all time that happened a few weekends ago. It was hilarious/I had a straight up anxiety attack, but I survived so I might as well jot down the details so I can laugh at myself in the future.

The following is a true story. Parent supervision may or may not be advised. :)

Once upon a time there was this girl, Morgan. She was hanging out with a group of friends who decided that they wanted to play 007.  Before she knew it, the game had started so she started running along the street and hiding all along the way to make it to the finish line. Two games went by and she was having a ball. Finally, the third round began and she decided to take a different route with a few of her other friends. She followed her boy friends down into the park where a chain link fence surrounded the area. The spot lighters drove down the street and Morgan and her boy friends ran to get to the next safe place to hide. She watched as JD flew over the fence with ease. She then watched as Andrew struggled a little bit when his shorts got caught on the top of the fence, but he made it over. Then it was her turn. She looked at that big, tall barbed wire fence and she attempted to climb it. Did I mention Morgan is AWFUL and climbing fences?? This is the truest statement made in this whole story. She gets her foot in position and attempts to climb of the fence only to jump back to the ground where she originally began. She attempts again and finally she gets to the point where she can sit on top of the fence. Don't worry, the top of the fence was bent over from all of the people who had previously jumped the fence so the barbs weren't sticking straight up. Anyways, Morgan sits on top of the fence to get ready to jump down and when she attempts to stand up she realizes that her pants are stuck. Panic arises. How was she supposed to get down? It was only a matter of time before the spot lighters caught her sitting on the fence. Her mind started racing. She carefully thought out her options. Good thing she was alone so no one could make fun of her. She thought about just trying to jump but knew that she was so stuck that she would either a) rip her pants b) fall straight on her face or c) all of the above. She attempted to stand up and try to get the fence from out of her jeans several times. She thought again of her options. Maybe she could just carefully try to take her pants off while no one was around so she could get down safely? 

Just as she had this thought after a good 5-10 minutes of sitting on the fence she looked up to see JD coming back in the distance. He yelled, "Morgan, what are you doing?" All she could reply back was, "Oh, you know, just sitting here and hanging out." Surprised, JD answered back saying, "Hurry and get down! They are going to catch you!" Morgan finally had to muster up some courage and tell JD of her fate. "I'm stuck. Like really stuck." she replied. JD came to the rescue and tried to help her unstick her pants from the fence. He even had to hop back over the fence to help wedge her pants from the chain links. Morgan was mortified. She doesn't do so well when embarrassing things happen to her. She definitely does NOT laugh at herself in these kinds of situations. Surprisingly all she could do was laugh. JD finally got her unstuck and didn't even laugh til Morgan finally made it off the fence (miracles do happen, my friends). She told JD that he would keep his mouth shut about it and he did a pretty good job of that. Morgan came away with some scratches and bruises, and a few rips in her pants, forcing them to retire. 

The End. 

stop, rewind, play.

Sometimes in life I wish there was a way that I could record conversations I have. You know, the really meaningful ones that change your life forever.

Tonight I was somewhat lame. I came home after going to dinner with some of my best friends and then had no other plans. I laid around, watched tv, checked my emails, the usual. My dad finally got home from work right around 9 and I carried on with my boring ways of doing my hair like some kind of event might come up. We got to talking and a lot of different topics were brought up-marriage, school, family, you name it.

Without going into too much detail, my dad has never really known what he has wanted to do for a job. He has worked at the same place for the last 20 years and for a long period of time he held a lot of resentment and anger that he was stuck in this situation. Years have passed and he has still been with the same job but I have seen my dad change in ways that I never thought I would see. What had changed? His attitude. He has worked hard my whole life and I 100% know and believe that my dad would go to any lengths of taking care of and providing for his family. It doesn't matter to me that my dad hasn't reached his goal of being what he wanted to be in his occupation. What matters to me is that I have the best dad in the world who is an amazing husband to my mother.

The words that my dad said about my mom were ones that I will never forget. I hope that someday I will be the best wife and mother because I have had the perfect examples of how to be a spouse and parent my whole life. I don't believe that fairy tale stories are a reality but in the case of my mom and dad loving each other, their story was indeed a fairy tale. I am proud to have a father who gets emotional talking about my mom and letting me know that the day they met they just knew it was meant to be. I am touched to hear the advice and words of my father.

Every day I hope and pray that I can marry someone just like my dad. Strong, hard working, caring, loving, worthy priesthood holder, firm testimony, love of God, provider, intelligent, kind, selfless, huge heart, happy, approachable, etc.

Lastly, this is for my dad who attempted to quote the most beautiful quote about my mother:

"If you live to be 100, I hope I live to be 100 minus one day so I never have to live without you."

Dad, when I meet the man that I am supposed to marry it's going to be easy to know if he's the one. Why? Because he's going to be a whole heck of a lot like you. I love you with every ounce of my heart and soul. I look up to you with the utmost respect. I enjoy being around you. I love that you will listen to me and hear what I am saying and then reflect on that. You always know how to make me feel important, special, and like what I say matters and actually means something to you. Did I mention that I love you? Cause dad, I really really do.

that "ah ha" moment

i've been thinking about things i could post about lately and my mind seems to just draw a blank. i had a wonderful birthday, i just haven't found the right words to say about some of the special things that were done for me and i want to do everything justice. last night i had a realization about people that are in my life and why they are in my life. i thank my Heavenly Father for teaching me a HUGE lesson through others who are in my life. i know what i want. i know what i deserve. i know where i stand. most importantly, i know that Christ is my Savior and it is only through Him that I can be forgiven for my imperfections.