just when all hope was lost..

i haven't been having the easiest semester to say the least. as the world keeps turning i feel stuck, lost, and sometimes forgotten. my motivation and drive are lacking. my capacity to care for others has been maxed out and i am forgetting to take care of and love myself. at times i feel alone, like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders. i tell myself awful lies like, "you'll never be good enough", "no one wants you", "you are far from perfect." i hurt and i cry and then i realize that i am destroying myself. i am allowing myself to become the person i don't want to be and i am the only person that can change that. i sell myself short often-falling to others standards when i then realize that i know one of the most amazing people to walk the face of the earth and it's not worth being dumb and selling myself short. 

today as i woke up, i rolled over, opened up my lap top and checked my email in case of any cancelled classes. as my inbox loaded onto the screen my favorite name popped onto the screen, "Bryant." I have never missed a week of emailing him and when I saw that there was an email already in my inbox I knew that i missed my opportunity to email him first. 

Bryant Lars, someday when you come home I hope I can sit down next to you and tell me how much it meant to me getting that email today. The effort that you just put into writing me when I dropped the ball because I stayed out too late made me the happiest girl in the world. You said some of the nicest things and as I read your email for the 5th time I couldn't help but cry and how much love I felt from you even without the "L" bomb being dropped.  B, you are my best friend. the love of my life. most amazing missionary ever. Every day I hope and pray that you will be mine one day. You are the most perfect man I have ever met and as I sit and think about my relationships with other people I come in contact with I 100% know that you are what I want. We never had to talk about other people to have fun. You always included others. You always put others first. I love you, and even though we're on different continents, speaking different languages, and living two separate lives you are always in my heart and mind. You make me happy and I will never forget that!

judged.

the truth of the matter is, one of my biggest fears that i face on a daily basis is being judged by others. it has always been something that has bothered me and i have struggled with. it amazes me at how much this fear consumes my mind. this year for school i have had to take the light rail to get to the downtown campus. every morning/afternoon i feel like i get on the light rail and everyone stares at me. it honestly makes me quite uncomfortable.

why should i care what people think about me? what does it matter? in the grand scheme of things, what other people think of me really doesn't matter. i have a loving heavenly father who loves me and the most amazing family on the planet. as my sister would say in regards to someone judging/talking about her, "at least they are talking about me and i'm on their mind." how great it would be if i could be like that. i wish that people wouldn't be so harsh when judging others because they do not understand others intentions unless they have talked to them first hand. they don't understand the full story and they never will unless they get to truly know that person. i want to work on myself every day so that i will not be caught up in the stupid little things of judgment. all you need is love, people. all you need is love.

one of those days.

it has just been "one of those days." the kind where you can't get away from any thoughts in your mind and you think all day long. the kind where you miss the memories. the kind where you wish you were better at things in your life.

today, it's been four months since this guy has been on his mission. he is loving it more than i ever imagined he would. he is truly in the right place and as hard as that seems, i am so proud. he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. never in a million years did i ever think i would doubt that he may come home and not want me but let me tell you, satan works in magical ways. you see, it obviously hasn't been very long since he has been gone (that is, for everyone else but me) but my every thought seems to be consumed with questions. will he want me when he comes home? does he even care about me? do i even deserve something so great?

the answers to those questions will come in due time, i know they will. patience is a virtue and i definitely struggle with that. in my heart i know that i mean more to him than i let myself believe. i know that he is the most focused missionary in the field. i know that he will come home not having any regrets about giving his all out there because i know that is exactly what he is doing.

yeah, sometimes missing him consumes me but i know it's going to be worth it in the end. even after the countless tears and the loneliness i sometimes feel. this life is not just to be endured but rather to learn and grow along the way and even though the pain feels as though it's too much to bear, i know that i have a loving heavenly father who knows exactly how i am feeling and that is comforting to me.

it's the small things.

everything lately seems to be trying to teach me a lesson. i have had conversations, experiences, etc that all seem to emphasize the same thing.  it's the small things that count. it has never been more apparent to me that we  go looking for the big things in life rather than being happy with the small, precious little moments we have throughout our day.  it's the small things in a marriage that make it the big picture happy. it's the small things when you hope and pray that you will feel the comfort of the spirit at the temple.

i have been trying to go do baptisms every week at the temple and as i go sometimes it is hard to feel the overwhelming spirit of my Heavenly Father.  it seems as though you go from one room to the next and at times I feel like I can easily miss the spirit.  today it was really quiet and no one was really there so that meant i was going from one room to the next even faster. as i sat there i prayed that i would feel the spirit and as i thought about families being together forever it touched my heart for a moment or two.  as i got dressed back into my sunday clothes and was walking out of the temple i saw a boy i knew from my ward when i was young and he was there with two friends to do baptisms. as i walked out of the temple i realized something-it's the small things. it warmed my heart to see young kids make an effort to go to the temple. how grateful i am for the youth of the gospel. it is a crazy world out there but if we can just focus on the small things, we will be forever blessed.

sister, sister.

Say hello to my sister. 

She's the pretty one on the left. she's 5'11", a volleyball star, nicest girl ever, looks like a model, is everybody's friend, retains more random information than anyone else I know, an airhead, and hilarious (and I'll just throw in there now that she has an arranged marriage to my best friend so don't even try to set her up with anyone else :) just kidding...kinda haha). 

I have been thinking a lot lately about my sister. Growing up together we had our rough times. Sometimes I would be a brat to her and sometimes she would be a brat to me. Sometimes when people met us they told us we look nothing alike and sometimes they'd tell us they could tell we are sisters. There came a point in both our lives where sister started to enjoy some things I enjoyed, namely volleyball.  As people started to meet both of us they all assumed that me and her were just alike. We both loved volleyball, got good grades, and were fluent in sarcasm. 

The more we both grow (she grows taller, I grow wider, nbd.), it has never been more apparent that we are WAY different from each other. She isn't afraid to stand out in a crowd where I feel like I am having a heart attack when a person is staring at me.  She reads her scriptures every night and often falls asleep on top of them. She is happy go lucky and I am intense. She is positive and uplifting and it takes everything I have to try to see it in her light. She is probably one of the most stubborn people I have ever met, but it definitely takes one to know one ;) The point is, we are different people. She is everything I wish I could be and more. She is truly an example of my Savior and everyday I hope that I can grow to be a little bit more like my little sister. I want to see the good in people. I want to give love to people who are sad or upset. I want to think of others and how I can help them as common nature rather than having to practice it. 

I love my sister. Yeah, we're different. We are our own kinds of weird. She's the most hilarious weird I have ever met and I am the girl who is afraid about what everyone thinks of her so my weirdness stays pretty much locked up in the closet. Mads, I love you. You are the best example for me to aspire to. You say kind words, you think kind thoughts, and you do kind things for others. You don't care what people think about you and when there are those dumb people that have no idea what they are talking about and don't know who you are and can't help but say negative things about you, you just reply, "at least they are taking the time out of their day to think about me." How I wish I could be like that. 

"A sister is one who reaches for your hand but touches your heart." 

I love you sister!

charity is..

Last night I got home from sister's volleyball game and there Grandpa was sitting in the kitchen just flipping through the newspaper like he normally does. The rest of the house was dark and he was content doing his own thing.

A few hours earlier I had stopped by home to change my clothes after school.  There was no one home and no cars there so I went about my merry way to the volleyball game.

As I saw Grandpa I asked him where he had been and I will never forget his reply.. "Home teaching." Those two small words meant so much to me. It confirmed to me that I have the best Grandpa ever, putting everyone else's needs before his own.  Charity is caring so much about others that no matter how bad or hard our situation is we still do what we are called to do.  My grandpa is the greatest man and example to me. I hope some day when I may be having a hard day or rough circumstances of life I can muster up some strength and serve others instead of focusing on myself. Charity is being as Christ like as we can possibly be, I feel blessed to have a Grandpa who is striving to become more like Christ each day.

I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father and Savior who know and love me. I am grateful for the gospel and the peace it brings to me. I am grateful for an eternal family who loves me and supports me. I am grateful for education and for the blessing of knowledge and growth. It has been said that growth doesn't come without the feeling of it being a trial-boy, do I sure hope that's the case. I am at a point in my life where I need to escape from my own mind and thoughts. I am happy, I am blessed, but I am consumed in thinking about everyone else when I don't have time for that right now. At times I feel overwhelmed, panicked, hurt, but I know that the Savior suffered all of these feelings for me specifically. I believe in tender mercies. I believe that those who are a little lost will eventually find their way. But, most of all I believe that I have a Heavenly Father who knows me better than I know myself. He knows what is best for me and even though at times it is hard to trust in those plans for me that I cannot see, I know He is real and I will be okay in the end.

Blessings from above.

My day always seems a little bit better after going to the temple in the morning.  Today has been one of those days-my heart and mind seem to be more in tune with each other and I am more emotional and grateful for what I have and for the blessing that my family is forever.  I had the opportunity to do some family names for a single mother new member to the church.  It was her birthday today and she brought her boys to do two male names and she asked that someone do the female names for her.  It was the most crowded, busiest day I have ever seen at the temple, but of all those people I was asked if I would do it.  I was so grateful for the opportunity to baptize people that she actually knew-her grandmother, aunts, and others.  It made the purpose of the work so much more real to me.  These are real people and they are waiting for ordinances to be performed in behalf of them.  I felt blessed and special and I will never forget the look in that sweet sister's eyes or the quiver of her lips as she graciously thanked me for the "best birthday present ever." We are all brothers and sisters here on this planet.  We are in this together. I am truly grateful for blessings that come directly as a result through prayer.