I feel sick to my stomach today. Not the kind where you feel nauseous but more so a heavy heart that seems to have sunk straight to my stomach, if that makes any sense at all. I have been thinking a lot today about the atonement of my Savior and how I wish I better understood how powerful it is and can be if actually used. I have a strong testimony of the gospel, there is no denying it.  Sister said something powerful that hit me, "People don't realize that the sin is what makes them feel bad, not the atonement.  The atonement is what makes us feel better and happy." I have felt as though I understand the atonement but it seems at times as though I forget the importance of it. I know I am a human being and cannot perfectly comprehend everything in my life but I do know that I just want to be able to make my Heavenly Father proud. I want to be the best person that I can be and not use the atonement only for a "quick fix." I want to learn about the atonement, use it, and then live it each day. These are my thoughts and feelings for today. I am grateful for a Savior who so willingly suffered for me so that I might be able to use to atonement and look myself in the face to realize there is more to understanding myself and the atonement so that I can effectively apply it into my life.

Not until I said it outloud.

Do you ever have those moments where you don't realize you know something until it just slips out of your mouth in conversation?

Often times I feel like a little genius is hiding in my body. He comes out at the perfect times and teaches me things that I never knew I even knew. Freaky, but true story.

A few weeks ago I was privileged to babysit for one of my closest friends. She is so sweet to me and genuinely sits and listens to me talk about my life story. As we sat in her family room we talked about Bryant and how he was doing. We talked about her past and how she had a missionary back in the day. She did not end up with him and in the end she said it was the biggest blessing of them all.

Currently, I can't see myself falling in love with anyone else. Bryant is the one for me. He treats me better than any other man on the face of the earth and I have felt beautiful around him whether I was at my lightest or heaviest. He makes me feel special.

As I sat and talked with my friend I asked her a simple question that came to my mind. "If your missionary hadn't left on his mission, would you have married him?" Her reply came quickly, "No, we never got to that point." This is where I taught myself something I felt I knew but had never felt rock solid about it until I said it out loud. "If Bryant hadn't left, I would have married him the next day." Tears quickly filled my eyes and I felt peace. More peace than I have felt about Bryant since he has been gone. The doubt stopped filling my mind and I knew where I stood with a surety.

Now, a lot changes in 2 years. We may be different people, but I really hope that all that happens is that we became new and improved models of ourselves. I know what I want. I know who I want. Sometimes 18 months feels like it's forever away, but in the end I know that it will be worth it whether I end up with Bryant or I learn a great lesson from this situation. I believe that we are here on this earth for a purpose.  We are here to learn very specific lessons.  I know that it is through our experiences that we learn and grow and the Lord would provide those opportunities to grow.  I know I am supposed to learn something from this time in my life and if it isn't to help me realize what an amazing man is in Argentina right now, then it is definitely something to learn about myself.

One way or another, I will encounter trials and learn from them-this is on of the greatest blessings to me in itself.

He has a plan.

Sometimes I feel as though I am in a dream.  My life is changing around me and I feel as though I am unphased and untouched by it.  I am a character in a foreign world just trying to figure out my next move. Life has been crazy lately. I am at a major turning point in my life. I have applied to PT school and am just waiting to hear back from all the places I have applied. Never in a million years did I realize I would handle this situation as I am now. Normally I freak out, obsesses over, and try to figure out how I can control the situation. It has gone much differently. I feel calm, cool, and collected. I look at every invitation to interview as an opportunity rather than my life depending on it. I know these are direct blessings from serving others. I also know that I have the greatest missionary out in the world and he has brought countless blessings into my life. Someday I will look back and remember sitting on my bed and writing about the blessings from my Heavenly Father.  He has a plan for me--it feels good to sit back and trust in Him.

I sat in that cold, metal chair next to your bed. I watched you as you laid there, pain swept across your face. All I could feel in that moment was how unprepared and useless I felt. I could only seem to mutter, "Are you okay?" over and over and all you could do was give a slight chuckle because you and I both knew you were far from okay. For a moment I sat there on that metal chair and wished I could take the pain from you. You laid there with your eyes closed, only periodically opening them and turning to see if I was still there.  You gave a slight grin each time you saw me still sitting there. Tears welled up into my eyes as I watched you try to get comfortable and no position provided relief. I tried to hide them as you turned to me, but I know you saw them. I am trying to be strong and be someone that you can count on.  I want you to always trust in me and know that I will fight for you through and through. I know that we are going to be okay, Grandpa. Because of my knowledge of the Plan of Salvation, I feel comfort. I feel joy. Sure, I feel sadness and pain, but I know it's measurably less pain than what I would feel if I didn't have the knowledge that I know. I hope that I can always remember that we are just spirits in human bodies rather than vice versa.  In the perspective of forever, it will only be a short while before we meet again. "What joy this sweet sentence brings."

forever.

it feels like it has been forever since i've seen you. in just 8 days it will have been six months since i have seen you. i remember the phone call i got from you right before you went into the mtc. it is definitely a moment i will treasure forever. i don't remember what you said to me but i remember getting a feeling as though it was exactly that i needed to hear. as we said goodbye my heart sunk. i felt like i wouldn't talk to you for 2 years and the thought of that was too hard to handle. you must have known i was struggling because you said the perfect thing to me that made me realize it wouldn't be forever until we talked again--"goodbye until p-day." i feel super lucky that i have heard from you almost every week since you've been gone. yeah there were the times i was in peru and you didn't write my email down right (typical you), and when you'd get transferred and what not but when it came down to it i always get an email from you. i love mondays because i finally get to pretend like you're talking to me face to face. you are more than just the boy that i love--you are my best friend and i wouldn't trade that for the world. as i talked to one of my very dear friends the other night i had this distinct realization-you are the ONLY person in this world that knows everything about me. i have told you everything-my shortcomings, my feelings, my thoughts, everything. i've never been afraid to tell you about what i am thinking because i know you aren't judging me. i know you are changing so much right now but i also know that you are still the same bryant that i know. my heart misses you. as i was running around the neighborhood this morning i just thought about you and realized that we are growing so much while we are apart. this opportunity for you is changing your life and making you realize what is important to life. and it is making me realize how much more i want to keep you in my life. some people say to not rush and get married. they say that forever is a long time and you don't have very much time to do the things for yourself as an individual. in the perspective of forever, i understand their point, but....i just think forever is just enough time that i could have to be with you.

i love you as a person, as a best friend, as the most amazing human being that i have ever met. i love YOU, elder king.