sleep over!

i feel so happy and blessed to have the family that i do. they make life just a little bit easier. last night i had a little sleep over with brother so that i could take him to physical therapy this morning. i love that my 14 year old brother isn't too cool for me. he's okay with hanging out with me and even when i drop him off for school in the front office, he hugs me. i love brother and i want everyone to know it!

I know He loves me.

how do you convince someone how beautiful they are from the inside out if it's hard enough to sometimes convince yourself of that same truth? 

for many years of my life i looked into the mirror and the person looking back at me was not who i wanted to be-in fact, it was what i didn't want to be at all. i couldn't seem to figure out why anyone would like me or want to be around me. i wasn't confident in the way i looked but somehow i always found the drive to try to excel at everything i was involved in. i wanted to be proud of myself for something. 

my parents have been great about always trying to make me feel good about myself. sometimes they act like i am the most wonderful human being on the planet and it feels nice for my ego at times. (did i mention i have the best parents on the face of the earth?) still i struggle, but a wonderful thing happened-i went to a far away land and as i sat in sacrament meeting on that cold, july morning i felt something spectacular. i truly felt the Savior's love not only for all of His children but for me. all of the sudden it didn't matter how i looked. it didn't matter that i couldn't hardly hike up a mountain because i knew He loves me. it didn't matter that i was chubbier than other people because i knew He loves me. 

now, this doesn't mean that i look in the mirror and am happy about what i see looking back. it still is a constant battle for me. i walk around school and life with thoughts and assumptions that everyone is always watching me and making judgments about what i look like. i am hurt that i let myself get to this point in my life where i felt like i didn't deserve the best. i am hurt that i let myself hurt for all of these years and that i let the world tell me i wasn't good enough. i may not love what i look like right now but at least i know that He loves me.

i am grateful for the experience that i have had to open my eyes to this knowledge i have been taught my whole life. let it be known that at age 20 i finally get it. i finally get that when i looked in the mirror for all those years i didn't see a true image looking back-i distorted it with my mind.  now i just wish i could convince others that they deserve nothing but the best regardless of their past. they are children of God and they deserve all that He has. i wish i could make others see what i see in them, and what God sees in them. i wish they realized their divine purpose and i can only hope and pray that someday they will go through a trial or experience of some sort to help them realize it. for now, i can only love people for who they are and for the choices they make and continue to love myself in hopes that i never forget that He loves me. 

Tender Mercies.

This post means more to me than many others. I feel inadequate to share it yet I feel blessed that I was able to experience it firsthand.  I don't know how I could ever do this experience justice because as I look back I know how I felt when it happened but I want so badly for others to realize how much it meant to me. 

For those who know my Grandpa they would know that he is a man of few words and few emotions. He is the "Mr. Fix It" of the family and when anyone needs him he makes it a priority to be there.  My junior year of high school my Grandpa was diagnosed with cancer and I was devastated. I can recall the day I found out the news due to the fact that I was so upset that I backed up into another car while leaving my high school basketball practice. It seemed like my world was crashing down around me and I was not ready to let go. 

Years have gone by and after many operations, chemotherapy, and countless medications my Grandpa is still trying to be as strong as he can to be around for his kids and grandkids. He has always been a strong man and I admire that with all of my heart. Recently his health has made a not-so-great turn and I decided to move in with my grandparents to just be around. So far it has been such a great experience to just be around my grandparents and cherish every moment I have. 

This past weekend we made a trip up to Pine, AZ for some family pictures.  As my grandparents were packing up my Grandma was looking through photo albums and having me combine pictures together. It touched my heart to see Grandpa with his grandkids through the years. As I finished putting the pictures into the album I went into the kitchen and said, "Gramps come look at these pictures of us! They are pretty cute!"  He sat down and realized he needed his glasses so he went and grabbed them from his room and came back. We sat there in silence as I watched him examine each picture. As I sat there I was taken by surprise when Gramps quietly opened his mouth and said, "Alls I know is I that I have the best grandkids." My heart melted as I sat in that kitchen chair so surprised to hear my grandpa share the feelings of his heart. I sat there for a few moments more and then Grandpa got up and said to me, "Morgan, I have something else to show you. Come back here." I quietly followed him back to the back room where he pulled out another binder.  I opened the cover quickly realizing that it was a photo album of my Grandma through the many years of her life. We both sat in silence as I looked through it and commented on pictures here and there and he told me stories about my Grandma.  I suddenly stumbled upon these darling pictures of my Grandma around age 16 in a bathing suit on the beach. I was shocked and said to my Grandpa, "Look at grandma! Oh my goodness she is tiny!" He got a sheepish grin on his face and his eyes lit up. He motioned with his hands and said, "I used to be able to fit my hands just like this around her waist." I smiled and kept flipping through pages until finally I came across my grandparents' senior pictures. I gave one look at my Grandpa and I said, "Grandpa! You are a good looking guy, I think I have a crush on you!" to which he replied, "Well I have a crush on that girl in the picture next to me." My eyes filled with tears as I flipped through the rest of the pages trying to pretend like I could see the rest of the pictures. 

This memory will always be a tender mercy to me. I will always look back on this moment and know how much my Grandpa loved us Grandkids and our Grandma. I feel blessed that I was able to experience such a special moment that I will treasure forever by my sweet, soft-spoken Grandpa.  I am grateful for grandparents who love us and each other and have taught us so many life lessons. I will forever be blessed and grateful for them in my life.  

days go by.

i would be lying if i said i didn't miss bry. it's weird how it works-some days i feel content and am happy he is doing the lord's work yet other days i just miss him to pieces. these last few days have been the 'missing' ones. no one truly understands what sending someone on a mission is like unless they've done it. there are days full of random insecurity, days of true happiness, days of missing, days of crying, days of talking about them non-stop, days of trying to be better so that there will be nothing to stop what could happen in the future someday. it's a roller coaster, my friends. i am not writing this to let everyone in the blogging world know that i have a 'horrible life' or anything, because that's not the case at all. i am blessed. i love my life (except for the fact that asu tuition just increased a butt load and i don't get reimbursed this semester...). i am happy and am working to improve myself for the better. i have never doubted that bryant is in the right place right now because I KNOW he is. i know he is the most special human being on the planet (i may or may not be biased..), it's just rough sometimes and i want to remember how i am feeling so that someday when my kids think they are going to send a missionary out they will realize they are nuts! BAHAHA...but really...i feel blessed to have bry in my life-he is my best friend and i hope that someday i will grow up to be as great as he is!

never easy.

there's never a "right time" for someone to go. when it does happen, there aren't very many words that can change the situation except for maybe feeling a little bit more happy about the life they lived. i feel proud to be a 'granddaughter' of Granny Johnson and i am glad that i was able to have the opportunity to do something as little as sing with the grandkids at the funeral to make her happy. recently i have had a few experiences that have helped me to realize how happy she is and it has made me feel at peace with the situation. of course, even feeling peaceful didn't hold the tears back long today. it was hard to be there without my bry but in my heart of hearts i KNOW he is where he is supposed to be. i KNOW that he feels comfort in knowing that he will see Granny again! i just want to write down my thoughts and feelings about today so that someday i can look back and remember how blessed and happy i feel to be part of the family.

it all started off early in the morning. we met and practiced the song once and then hung out during the viewing. aunt jan was adamant that we not look into any faces as we sang today-she knew it would bring on the water works and we all know that this is horrible for singing! we all got settled in the room with Granny where Matt gave the family prayer. i was so touched in every way as i listened to Matt's words and heard the emotion in his voice. Matt is not a big crier and up until that point there had not been a tear down his face.  as i opened my eyes i knew there was not a dry eye in the room. we moved into the chapel and the funeral began. we sang joseph smith's first prayer (b's favorite hymn) and i couldn't help but be moved. Jen said the opening prayer and then Mama King and her sister's gave the life story.  i loved being able to hear about Granny through her life. i have almost known Granny for three years and the only times i have known her are when she has been battling myositis and confined to a chair-it was refreshing to hear stories of her when she was free to do the things she wanted to such as cook, clean, and serve others. i cried through out the story and once Mama King started telling a specific story i couldn't help but choke the tears back.  she started off by talking about the days when Gran tried to get Grandpa J to go on a mission right after he had graduated high school. he didn't have the money and nor did his family and he was not going to allow anyone to pay for him to go so he just didn't see it happening. one night after Gran's high school dance they talked and talked til they realized she was three and a half hours late to her curfew. Mama King then said that recently she had another three and a half hour talk with another boy she knew who wasn't so sure about going on a mission and didn't know what to do in life but she sat that boy down and now he leaves in ten days to go to Argentina. {Granny and Grandpa were so good to my B. i feel blessed to know them} of course i cried like a little baby gasping for air and it seemed as though the rest of my Kings were crying just as hard.  after the talk the grandkids got up and sang our song. i made it about half way through and got to the song "families can be together forever" and i couldn't hold back the tears any longer. i had to take a little break and once i regained my composure i was okay to try singing again.  we made it through and then Todd spoke. he did a great job and related Granny's whistle to always making him want to do a little bit better. i love that.  Janis, Chanelle, and Celeste then sang 'Come thou Font' and it was great. the bishop gave the closing remarks and was a cute, little emotional man. you could tell he loves the Johnsons. we sang God Be With You Til We Meet Again and then prayed and went out into the foyer.  we talked to those who came namely my mom and dad, the Roberts, and Sean and Aryn. i felt blessed to see my family there and i am so glad that i have cousins who is related to me on both sides (ish) haha. i definitely got asked a thousand times over how i 'fit into the family' and of course i explained about my B. i truly feel like a grandchild of Granny and Grandpa J. they make a conscious effort to be with me and talk to me. we finally headed out to the cemetery and dedicated the grave. it was a HOT summer day that i will never forget.

Granny, you are a one of a kind woman. i feel blessed, loved, and peaceful in knowing you are in the happiest place ever. as hard as it has been i know it won't be too long til we see you again and i feel blessed to call you my guardian angel in heaven.

it isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is.  it all works out. don't worry.  i say that to myself every morning. it all works out in the end.  put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future.  the Lord will not forsake us.  if we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.

-Gordon B. Hinkley 

strange.

it's strange how things work out in life. things i envisioned happening do not go the way i planned them to sometimes. i guess that's what trusting in God is all about. He knows the plan that is in store for us and he will hold up His end as long as we do everything in our power on our end. i may not know the answers to all of the questions in my head now but someday i will and i know i will have gone through all of these things for a reason. i can't help but realize that that God has a bigger plan for me-i just need to figure out exactly what that is. someday i will know. someday i will understand why i have gone through the things i have experienced.

loving with all of my heart.

no one ever tells you that life is as hard and emotional as it turns out to be at times, or maybe they do and i just forgot to listen. i am missing my family in peru a whole lot right now. i wish i could be back there now. as i am looking back on my blog i realized that i never posted about the day we left! between almost not getting on flights and really grumpy flight attendants, the only thing i really want to remember is the feelings that i had as me and rachel got in that little shabby car to take us to el aeropuerto.  while we were driving there i couldn't help but hold back the tears and feel like i was leaving a part of me behind. in that little taxi cab i finally realized why missionaries have such a hard time coming home-it's an emotional roller coaster to leave the people you have grown to love and consider part of your family. i knew i was going to see my family and i couldn't wait for that but it was so hard to leave cusco behind. every day of my life i will be grateful for the bonds and relationships i have made there. i feel truly blessed that i had an opportunity to not only learn to find and love myself but to love others with all of my heart.

confessions of a teenage drama queen..

all of my life i have gone to church. i have sat through the lessons, said my prayers, and forgotten impressions that i felt so strongly about that day. since i have been to peru i have decided that i never want to forget. i don't want to forget my emotions or how i was feeling at a point in time even if it is embarrassing.

going to church we often have a lot of the same lessons repeat themselves (obviously we need to keep hearing them...probably because everyone else forgets those strong impressions too...who knows!). one of the lessons that always comes up is talking about people's gifts and talents. i won't lie-when it comes up initially i always feel inadequate, like i don't have any gifts or talents but by the end i know that i am worth more than i think.  one gift i have always somewhat had is the ability to read people. i wouldn't say i am a professional or anything but i have always just been more in tune with other peoples' feelings and mannerisms (though i didn't notice this until my sister brought it up again recently).  anyways, to make a long story short i will just say that i am grateful for this gift. sometimes i know i can be a drama queen but lately i had felt uneasy about signals i was getting from a friend and even though i thought i was being an emotional cry baby i felt the need to voice my feelings anyway and apparently it was some sort of personal revelation i had gotten.  funny how things work out that way (even when we don't want them to).

i feel grateful for the gospel. grateful for my testimony. grateful for my Savior. grateful for my God.