Life happens.

I have been back to school for over a month now. It is surreal how fast and slow time can move at the same time. I look back to the lack of summer that I had due to school.  I think of being with my family for two weeks and loving every minute of it. Then...I came back to Vegas.  I got settled in and got started back with school and life went on. I hate to admit it, but I felt alone, lost, and confused. I discovered that "home" is truly where your heart is.

School became a chore. All I wanted was to be with my family and I couldn't do that if I was here in Vegas trying to pursue my dream. This feeling started rolling into every aspect of my life. The once strong, independent girl that moved out to embark on adventures of her own personal journey was fading quickly under all of the pressure.  Life became too hard to bear and so, instead of caring I became numb to every situation in my life.

As the weeks have gone on I have battled through every obstacle and even though it has gotten better, it has been a struggle. It has felt as though one thing has piled on top of the other and my legs are getting tired from treading water for so long. There have been glimpses of light in the cracks along the way but as soon as I see it, it quickly fades into the darkness. I tried to start planning the rest of my life under all of the pressure of school while keeping everyone else's plans in mind.  I was making decisions for myself to plan the rest of my life out and then I got a huge reality check. Monday I received the email I never expected. It told me that I would not be receiving an email for the next 9 months and told me that I shouldn't write them either. After having thought I had been numb to this situation I was in for the last 4 months when I stopped getting as many emails, I realized that this was not the case and that my heart was broken.

Life happens.  It happens whether you are making choices that will bring you happiness or choices that will bring you sorrow. It happens whether you want it to or you don't. It happens whether or not you have a plan for yourself. At this point in my life I have come to realize some of the most precious principles through the loneliness and sadness that I have felt.

1. Happiness is a choice. "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." -Dumbledore

2. No matter what choices you have made, God will continue to love you. He knows your name, he knows YOU better than you know yourself.

3. The choices you make always have consequences, whether they are good or bad.

I know that through my Heavenly Father and His son I can be made whole. I know this truth through and through, but it takes time. So, instead of making plans for my life based on everyone else's plans,  I am going to trust in God and know that I will be taken care of through the pain, sadness, and sorrows--one day I will feel whole again.

A Woman of Kindness

Today we headed to Scottsdale for sister's birthday to do a little shopping.  We headed out to make it to a few stores and hitting up Sprinkles cupcake store before heading back.

As we walked out of the cupcake store we were approached by a homeless man on a bicycle.  As I began hearing his story, I immediately turned off my ears and began fidgeting around on my phone thinking that my mom and sister would do the same.  This was not the case.  I stood there for a moment more to realize that my mom had been intently listening to this man. I was taken back at first but when I listened to their conversation.  I looked up to that man on the bike.  He had tanned, leathery skin, long greyish hair, and you could tell his clothes needed a good washing.  He didn't ask for money, in fact, all he wanted was information about a church that would be able to help him and his wife who had no where to go.  I watched my mom and her actions will never be erased from my memory.  She opened up her purse, took out a $20 and extended her arm in his direction.  His response probably surprised me even more so than my mom's.  He immediately responded, "Oh, no I can't take that. I wasn't expecting any money." Her big, green eyes welled up with tears as she pushed the money toward him once again.  She responded, "I know, I want to give this to you." The man reached his hand out and took the money and replied, "What is your name?" "Linda," she responded. "I'm Patrick. I sure am glad I was guided toward you. Thank you, Linda."

With that, my mom turned around and headed toward the car.  Tears streamed down her cheeks.  This, is a kind, valiant woman.  I cannot express to you the example I have for a mother.  Someday I will try to explain to my children how amazing of a mom she was, is, and has been to me. For this, I am grateful and proud to be raised by a woman of kindness.

Out On My Own

Every day I wake up and one of the first thoughts that runs through my mind is how blessed I truly am. I attempt to open my eyes (then close them a few more times in hopes that time will stop and I will be able to sleep a little bit longer), I throw my scrubs on, throw my hair up in some sort of mess, and hop in the car to get to school.  The car rides each morning are usually on the quiet side-someone will make a comment in hopes to break the silence, but I can't help but silently look out the window and just think.  It becomes the little bit of quiet time that I appreciate more than words can express.

Being on my own has been a learning and growing experience to the max. I thought I had grown up and matured to a pretty high potential when living with my family, but as I have been out on my own I have grown infinite amounts.  I have made mistakes, handled situations differently than I would before, and have been able to have some of the most meaningful conversations of my life.

I am grateful to be on this journey.  I know this is where I am supposed to be and have met some of the most amazing "family members" that I will cherish forever. I thank my Heavenly Father for the tender mercies in my life.

A little bit of sunshine amongst dark clouds.

I wish I could be anywhere; anywhere but here. I sit quietly in the physical therapy library, books and binders surround me.  I feel enclosed by the bookshelves, there is no way to turn, no way to escape. My maroon scrubs clench onto the smell of cadaver and formaldehyde and as I sit and attempt to study, my nose is constantly reminded of where I just was.

I dreamed that I would be in California with my family, only to have too many obstacles prevent that from happening.  Who once told me that growing up would be "fun?"  They were incredibly wrong.

As I stare at my papers, books, and computer the words seem to separate themselves and disappear.  Where are they going? If there is one thing I am certain of, they are not being absorbed in my head.  For so long this was my dream-this was the one thing that I knew I wanted to do.  I never thought it would be so difficult.  I never realized that when I didn't perform like I did in undergrad, I would mentally break down and wonder and question, "Is this journey really the one for me?"

As I take a step back I look at the big picture.  School is not who I am.  School is helping me learn and grow into someone that I want to be.  For this reason alone, I know that this is the journey for me.  I will never be Morgan, the Physical Therapist--I will be Morgan, a woman who practices Physical Therapy.  To some, this may sound complicated, confusing, and rather synonymous.  Life isn't about my accomplishments, it's about finding joy in the journey-no matter how grey the weather can be-there is always sunshine amongst the dark clouds.

Time.

Time--a unit of measurement that defines how we spend our lives.  Questions and statements can be made on a daily basis in relation to time.

"Do I have time to run to the grocery store?" "Is there enough time to attend an event?" "It takes too much time to read my scriptures before bed or I don't have enough time to make my bed in the morning before school."

Everything we do as human beings in this day and age is securely fastened around schedules and time until something drastic occurs--the birth of a baby, the holy union of two friends, the loss of a loved one.  It's experiences like this in life that allow us to stop, smell the roses, and realize what is of true importance.  We are able to more clearly remember that this Earth life is but a small moment.

Personally, I cannot express the gratitude that I have for my family and friends.  For two weeks now I have officially been living on my own--I have come to realize the importance of progression in life and I understand that this is one of those steps.  Each day I think about my family-the love and support they provide, the comfort and peace that they bring, and the many laughs along the way.

The same question repeatedly goes through my head, "How did I get so lucky?"  Some day, I will be able to answer that.  Maybe I needed all the help I could get while here in this life (this seems like the most obvious answer)?  Maybe I could only learn the things I needed to with my own family?  It's a mystery, but what I do know is that families are forever.  There is no amount of time that could define the importance of my family.  I hope that every day they don't ever have to wonder about my feelings for them because if there is anything I am beyond sure about in this world of uncertainty, it is the love that I have for my family.

I thank JaKelle Westergard, though I didn't know her, she has helped me to remember this one most important truth about families.

 "I have a family here on earth, they are so good to me, I want to share my life with them for all eternity. Families can be together forever through Heavenly Father's plan.  I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can, the Lord and shown me how I can."

My next chapter

Life is all about progression.  It is about growing and bettering ourselves and becoming the people that we want to be.  I used to think that life was all about accomplishing things--educational goals, jobs, marriage, etc--until I realized that it is the experiences and choices that we make that help us learn and grow versus making a name for ourselves.

Tomorrow, I begin a new chapter of life as a Physical Therapy student at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.  I am scared, excited, nervous, anxious, happy, etc.  I have so many emotions about this experience that I am going through.  I cannot believe it is here.  For so long, my goal was to get into school and now, here I am and I have made it in.  Life, at times, can seem so surreal.  I am not sure if I would consider this a dream, but I do know that it feels amazing to accomplish a goal that I set for myself and even though I know it is going to be difficult, I could not be more happy for the path that I have chosen for myself to take so I can grow as an individual.

Here is to finding joy in the journey, Morgan!

My point of view

It was a hot, sunny summer day in Vegas.  Cookie cutter houses lined each side of the street. It did not look or feel like home to me.  As my dad, mom, and sister walked to the truck parked in the parking lot, I turned toward my new home.  A silent tear rolled down my cheek as I walked toward my front door.  I turned back to look once more--I smiled and held back the tears as I waved goodbye and watched the truck travel the street until I could no longer see it.  I walked up the stairs into my new bedroom where I ripped back the bed spread and curled up into a bawl underneath the sheets.  I laid there for what seemed like forever, sobbing until eventually the tears became silent.  I was on my own.  Instantly, I was scared--was I even old enough to be on my own? Who was going to take care of me?

I allowed myself to cry for about ten minutes and repeatedly told myself in my head, "It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry."  I stood up and went to the bathroom where I could look myself in the mirror and tell myself it would be alright.  As I stared straight at my reflection, I saw a sad and scared girl, but finally when I peered into her eyes I knew that she would be okay.  Everything was going to be just fine.

Mother's Day Phone Call

I can't believe Mother's Day has already come and gone.  What a day it was! I feel blessed to have a mom who loves me and is my best friend through the good times and the bad.  Today I had the privilege of speaking in church. Hopefully I was able to do some justice to motherhood.  On another note, Bry called today.  I went over to listen to him talk.  I wasn't expecting to say a word to him or even let him know I was there but just wanted to hear his voice.  He sounded amazing.  His laugh is contagious--I couldn't help but smile.  It kind of came to a quiet time when Jen, his sister, whispered to let me talk to him.  I panicked.  My stomach flip flopped 10 times, my hands became cold and clammy, and I felt like I was going to throw up.  I silently pushed the phone away--I didn't know what to say to him or if he'd even want to talk to me.  I continued to listen to him when I glanced at my phone and noticed I only had five minutes til I needed to be out the door and on my way to the church building to give my talk.  I packed up my stuff and as I began to leave, Jen told Matt (his brother) to put him back on speaker phone so that I could at least say hi.  Matt proceeded to tell Bryant, "Hey Morgan's leaving so here she is."  Ohhhhh, no big deal....SURPRISE.....I have just been here the whole time and you didn't even know. So I awkwardly grabbed the phone and began talking to him and telling him how great he sounds.  He talked to me for two or three minutes in Spanish and said whatever else and I then it was time for me to leave.  As I talked to him, an overwhelming feeling came over me that everything was going to be just fine.  Talking to him just felt "right."  I can't even describe the situation and do it justice, but all I know is that it was like our hearts connected and spoke the words we couldn't say to each other.  I love that man with all of my heart. What a great day it was to be able to hear that cute missionary's voice! Keep it up Elder King!