A little bit of sunshine amongst dark clouds.

I wish I could be anywhere; anywhere but here. I sit quietly in the physical therapy library, books and binders surround me.  I feel enclosed by the bookshelves, there is no way to turn, no way to escape. My maroon scrubs clench onto the smell of cadaver and formaldehyde and as I sit and attempt to study, my nose is constantly reminded of where I just was.

I dreamed that I would be in California with my family, only to have too many obstacles prevent that from happening.  Who once told me that growing up would be "fun?"  They were incredibly wrong.

As I stare at my papers, books, and computer the words seem to separate themselves and disappear.  Where are they going? If there is one thing I am certain of, they are not being absorbed in my head.  For so long this was my dream-this was the one thing that I knew I wanted to do.  I never thought it would be so difficult.  I never realized that when I didn't perform like I did in undergrad, I would mentally break down and wonder and question, "Is this journey really the one for me?"

As I take a step back I look at the big picture.  School is not who I am.  School is helping me learn and grow into someone that I want to be.  For this reason alone, I know that this is the journey for me.  I will never be Morgan, the Physical Therapist--I will be Morgan, a woman who practices Physical Therapy.  To some, this may sound complicated, confusing, and rather synonymous.  Life isn't about my accomplishments, it's about finding joy in the journey-no matter how grey the weather can be-there is always sunshine amongst the dark clouds.

Time.

Time--a unit of measurement that defines how we spend our lives.  Questions and statements can be made on a daily basis in relation to time.

"Do I have time to run to the grocery store?" "Is there enough time to attend an event?" "It takes too much time to read my scriptures before bed or I don't have enough time to make my bed in the morning before school."

Everything we do as human beings in this day and age is securely fastened around schedules and time until something drastic occurs--the birth of a baby, the holy union of two friends, the loss of a loved one.  It's experiences like this in life that allow us to stop, smell the roses, and realize what is of true importance.  We are able to more clearly remember that this Earth life is but a small moment.

Personally, I cannot express the gratitude that I have for my family and friends.  For two weeks now I have officially been living on my own--I have come to realize the importance of progression in life and I understand that this is one of those steps.  Each day I think about my family-the love and support they provide, the comfort and peace that they bring, and the many laughs along the way.

The same question repeatedly goes through my head, "How did I get so lucky?"  Some day, I will be able to answer that.  Maybe I needed all the help I could get while here in this life (this seems like the most obvious answer)?  Maybe I could only learn the things I needed to with my own family?  It's a mystery, but what I do know is that families are forever.  There is no amount of time that could define the importance of my family.  I hope that every day they don't ever have to wonder about my feelings for them because if there is anything I am beyond sure about in this world of uncertainty, it is the love that I have for my family.

I thank JaKelle Westergard, though I didn't know her, she has helped me to remember this one most important truth about families.

 "I have a family here on earth, they are so good to me, I want to share my life with them for all eternity. Families can be together forever through Heavenly Father's plan.  I always want to be with my own family, and the Lord has shown me how I can, the Lord and shown me how I can."

My next chapter

Life is all about progression.  It is about growing and bettering ourselves and becoming the people that we want to be.  I used to think that life was all about accomplishing things--educational goals, jobs, marriage, etc--until I realized that it is the experiences and choices that we make that help us learn and grow versus making a name for ourselves.

Tomorrow, I begin a new chapter of life as a Physical Therapy student at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas.  I am scared, excited, nervous, anxious, happy, etc.  I have so many emotions about this experience that I am going through.  I cannot believe it is here.  For so long, my goal was to get into school and now, here I am and I have made it in.  Life, at times, can seem so surreal.  I am not sure if I would consider this a dream, but I do know that it feels amazing to accomplish a goal that I set for myself and even though I know it is going to be difficult, I could not be more happy for the path that I have chosen for myself to take so I can grow as an individual.

Here is to finding joy in the journey, Morgan!

My point of view

It was a hot, sunny summer day in Vegas.  Cookie cutter houses lined each side of the street. It did not look or feel like home to me.  As my dad, mom, and sister walked to the truck parked in the parking lot, I turned toward my new home.  A silent tear rolled down my cheek as I walked toward my front door.  I turned back to look once more--I smiled and held back the tears as I waved goodbye and watched the truck travel the street until I could no longer see it.  I walked up the stairs into my new bedroom where I ripped back the bed spread and curled up into a bawl underneath the sheets.  I laid there for what seemed like forever, sobbing until eventually the tears became silent.  I was on my own.  Instantly, I was scared--was I even old enough to be on my own? Who was going to take care of me?

I allowed myself to cry for about ten minutes and repeatedly told myself in my head, "It's okay to be sad. It's okay to cry."  I stood up and went to the bathroom where I could look myself in the mirror and tell myself it would be alright.  As I stared straight at my reflection, I saw a sad and scared girl, but finally when I peered into her eyes I knew that she would be okay.  Everything was going to be just fine.

Mother's Day Phone Call

I can't believe Mother's Day has already come and gone.  What a day it was! I feel blessed to have a mom who loves me and is my best friend through the good times and the bad.  Today I had the privilege of speaking in church. Hopefully I was able to do some justice to motherhood.  On another note, Bry called today.  I went over to listen to him talk.  I wasn't expecting to say a word to him or even let him know I was there but just wanted to hear his voice.  He sounded amazing.  His laugh is contagious--I couldn't help but smile.  It kind of came to a quiet time when Jen, his sister, whispered to let me talk to him.  I panicked.  My stomach flip flopped 10 times, my hands became cold and clammy, and I felt like I was going to throw up.  I silently pushed the phone away--I didn't know what to say to him or if he'd even want to talk to me.  I continued to listen to him when I glanced at my phone and noticed I only had five minutes til I needed to be out the door and on my way to the church building to give my talk.  I packed up my stuff and as I began to leave, Jen told Matt (his brother) to put him back on speaker phone so that I could at least say hi.  Matt proceeded to tell Bryant, "Hey Morgan's leaving so here she is."  Ohhhhh, no big deal....SURPRISE.....I have just been here the whole time and you didn't even know. So I awkwardly grabbed the phone and began talking to him and telling him how great he sounds.  He talked to me for two or three minutes in Spanish and said whatever else and I then it was time for me to leave.  As I talked to him, an overwhelming feeling came over me that everything was going to be just fine.  Talking to him just felt "right."  I can't even describe the situation and do it justice, but all I know is that it was like our hearts connected and spoke the words we couldn't say to each other.  I love that man with all of my heart. What a great day it was to be able to hear that cute missionary's voice! Keep it up Elder King!

He answers.

The semester is nearing its end and for me, that always equals stress.  This semester is much different than others.  It's my LAST undergrad semester. Where did the time go?  I have really enjoyed this semester in preparation for Physical Therapy school.  I could not have asked for a better Internship.  For this Internship, I am required to write a report and in the syllabus it lists several things that I need to include.  Last week I noticed that I was missing one of the papers.  I searched high and low and couldn't find anything.  I basically had decided I would redo it when I noticed in the syllabus that it also mentions that we weren't allowed to redo anything because that would count as 'academic dishonesty.'  I immediately began to stress.  What was I going to do?  It began to consume my thoughts for three days.  I retraced my steps with no hope in sight.

Then, yesterday happened.  It was lunch break from my Internship and I was cruising with my windows down in the blistery summer heat.  I began to stress again and my immediate thought was to pray.  Once this thought came into my head, I quickly dismissed it because I had been really lousy at my personal prayers lately and didn't want God to feel like I was using Him.  I sat in my car thinking about it for a few minutes when I finally gave in and said  genuine prayer in my heart.  Only a minute passed or so when I felt prompted to open up my glove box.  I opened the box to find the exact paper I had been looking for, folded neatly on top of all of the papers shoved in there.  I hardly ever put papers in that box, so that would be the last place I would have looked.

God is merciful and kind.  He doesn't care about your faults, but only about the progress you are making. He doesn't make you feel shameful for not talking to Him.  Instead, He opens His arms a little bit wider, waiting for you to come to Him.  God loves me, a spirit of infinite worth, and because I know of this truth, I know He loves everyone.  God answers prayers, no matter great or small.

Sometimes in life we lose our way.  It may be for just a short moment but other times it seems to drag out for eternity.  I am only human and sometimes I lose sight of what matters most.  I am grateful for my Savior and His atoning sacrifice.  He is always there for me even if I forget the way.  I have a divine purpose, I have been taught that ever since I can remember! Now, it is just time for me to search and realize the truth that lie within those words.  I am a daughter of my loving Heavenly Father who loves me and I love Him.

Oxymoronic.

This weekend has just been a mix of emotions for me.  I have had to do a whole lot of soul searching to figure out what my deal is.  There are two things that I have had to come to terms with-both of these concepts oppose each other and maybe that is why it is so hard for me to deal with.

#1. Happiness is an attitude. It does not matter how hard one's circumstances are, an individual can be happy regardless. So often I wait around hoping that happiness will find its way to me when in reality it's already here! I just have to be the one to choose it!

#2.  I am not happy.  I do not like who I am and at times I get frustrated because I expect myself to change much more quickly than it happens.  I look in the mirror and I do not see the 'child of God' that I should see. I compare myself to others only to fall short.  I magnify the mistakes I make only to discount any of my accomplishments.  I am falling short in spiritual goals--leading into other areas of my life.  I hate this period of my life-I hate feeling alone, or like a tagalong. I am happy for others who find love and happiness but their happy feelings seem to remind me how hard of a time I am having being lonely.

By no means am I looking for sympathy.  I am a 21 year old girl, trying to figure myself out.  I am struggling and searching for myself and eventually I will get there. I know it.  I just want to write these feelings down so that I, personally, can look back and think about what was going on in my life during these times and I can either change my situation or my attitude.

Tomorrow is a new day, hallelujah, and therefore another week to begin anew.