Oxymoronic.

This weekend has just been a mix of emotions for me.  I have had to do a whole lot of soul searching to figure out what my deal is.  There are two things that I have had to come to terms with-both of these concepts oppose each other and maybe that is why it is so hard for me to deal with.

#1. Happiness is an attitude. It does not matter how hard one's circumstances are, an individual can be happy regardless. So often I wait around hoping that happiness will find its way to me when in reality it's already here! I just have to be the one to choose it!

#2.  I am not happy.  I do not like who I am and at times I get frustrated because I expect myself to change much more quickly than it happens.  I look in the mirror and I do not see the 'child of God' that I should see. I compare myself to others only to fall short.  I magnify the mistakes I make only to discount any of my accomplishments.  I am falling short in spiritual goals--leading into other areas of my life.  I hate this period of my life-I hate feeling alone, or like a tagalong. I am happy for others who find love and happiness but their happy feelings seem to remind me how hard of a time I am having being lonely.

By no means am I looking for sympathy.  I am a 21 year old girl, trying to figure myself out.  I am struggling and searching for myself and eventually I will get there. I know it.  I just want to write these feelings down so that I, personally, can look back and think about what was going on in my life during these times and I can either change my situation or my attitude.

Tomorrow is a new day, hallelujah, and therefore another week to begin anew.

Lent's celebrate!

Yes, you read that title right. Lent is here and a challenge came from a patient at Physical Therapy to give something up for it.  I didn't really want to but I decided it would be the best time to sacrifice something. So what am I giving up for 40 days? Facebook. That's right...I have officially gone Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and today without signing on. I don't remember the last time I went that long. Sad. 

"I know our greatest happiness comes as we tune in to the Lord (see Alma 37:37) and to those things which bring a lasting reward, rather than mindlessly tuning in to countless hours of status updates, Internet farming, and catapulting angry birds at concrete walls. I urge each of us to take those things which rob us of precious time and determine to be their master, rather than allowing them through their addictive nature to be the master of us. Let us be as quick to kneel as we are to text."

-Ian S. Ardern

I need to focus more on loving myself and focus less on what is going on in everyone else's life.  I need to learn to love myself rather than comparing myself to everyone else. I need to make more time to grow spiritually than to waste it aimlessly on facebook. Just one way to help become the best ME!

Change. It's inevitable. Time moves on and things change. Some things get better while some seem worse. People grow up and some seem to be left behind. Sometimes it seems as though people come into our lives to make us realize that WE are the ones who need to make a change.

So change! Don't get down on yourself if you have a rough day and you don't handle every situation perfectly. You can do it! Here's to starting new and becoming the best person you want to be!

A letter to myself.

Dear Morgan,

This last weekend you had an experience that helped you grow a little bit more. You were put in a situation where someone judged you and you knew it.  You overheard what was said and it didn't help your self esteem one bit. You felt alone, sad, and afraid to be yourself. You went home and cried because your heart hurt knowing that someone just 'didn't like you.' You sat there feeling worthless and alone when your thoughts turned to your Savior.  You thought about how he had felt all of the pains of the world when he atoned for your sins.  You remembered that people mocked and scorned him as he walked through the streets with the cross on his back.  Your heart hurt even more knowing that your Savior had been through what you just experienced only infinitely worse.  Remember that you don't want to be someone who makes people feel inferior or worthless. You want to be someone who can build others up so that after they talk with you they will know of their worth.  They will understand that they are created in God's image and that all that truly matters is what He thinks.  You know it is hard to grasp this idea and it is definitely hard to not care what people think, but as you grow up other situations will arise and you may feel down again.  Think of your Savior carrying that cross and know that ANYTHING is possible. If He could do it alone, you can do it with Him!

Love,

The 21 year old YOU

at a loss.

It's been just over 4 weeks since you've gone away to a better place.  A place that I can't even imagine: endless opportunities to serve and countless blessings to gain.  You were my hero and you always will be.  I've tried to pretend that it feels like you aren't really gone--like you are just vacationing somewhere for a while but you'll be back.  In a way, it's somewhat true.  I know I am going to see you again-I'm not too worried about that. You were my hero and still are.  You are a perfect example of service to others and as I look around at this world I know it was a better place because of you. I have been at a loss for words lately.  I don't know what to say about what has happened or even how to feel.  I experienced the coping ability to become numb to feelings which is good if you don't want to experience pain but at the same time it makes me feel detached from the world I live in.  Grandpa, I love you. When I first found out that you had cancer, I prayed and prayed that you would beat it.  I cried and hoped that you were strong enough.  As I grew up I found out you were very capable of doing that, but your body started to slow down.  For these past 4 years I cried because all I ever wanted was for you to be at my wedding.  I didn't want you missing.  I now know that you wouldn't miss it for the world.  I know you'll be there and you'll have a pretty darn good view.  But for now, I am at a loss of words and am grateful for the plan of salvation that allows me to be with you again one day. I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my grandpa you'll be.