just when all hope was lost..

i haven't been having the easiest semester to say the least. as the world keeps turning i feel stuck, lost, and sometimes forgotten. my motivation and drive are lacking. my capacity to care for others has been maxed out and i am forgetting to take care of and love myself. at times i feel alone, like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders. i tell myself awful lies like, "you'll never be good enough", "no one wants you", "you are far from perfect." i hurt and i cry and then i realize that i am destroying myself. i am allowing myself to become the person i don't want to be and i am the only person that can change that. i sell myself short often-falling to others standards when i then realize that i know one of the most amazing people to walk the face of the earth and it's not worth being dumb and selling myself short. 

today as i woke up, i rolled over, opened up my lap top and checked my email in case of any cancelled classes. as my inbox loaded onto the screen my favorite name popped onto the screen, "Bryant." I have never missed a week of emailing him and when I saw that there was an email already in my inbox I knew that i missed my opportunity to email him first. 

Bryant Lars, someday when you come home I hope I can sit down next to you and tell me how much it meant to me getting that email today. The effort that you just put into writing me when I dropped the ball because I stayed out too late made me the happiest girl in the world. You said some of the nicest things and as I read your email for the 5th time I couldn't help but cry and how much love I felt from you even without the "L" bomb being dropped.  B, you are my best friend. the love of my life. most amazing missionary ever. Every day I hope and pray that you will be mine one day. You are the most perfect man I have ever met and as I sit and think about my relationships with other people I come in contact with I 100% know that you are what I want. We never had to talk about other people to have fun. You always included others. You always put others first. I love you, and even though we're on different continents, speaking different languages, and living two separate lives you are always in my heart and mind. You make me happy and I will never forget that!