Blessings from above.

Tonight we gathered as a family at Grandpa's request. He asked for a priesthood blessing and so all of the family gathered around. I cannot explain all of the feelings that I had going on in my body but I do know that the Lord hears our prayers and loves us. As Grandpa walked over to his chair I watched his face. I watched his brows furrow and tears well up in his eyes. Immediately I felt the burning in my nose and tears start coming out of my own eyes. He sat on the chair and I watched as tears began to run down his cheeks. I have never seen Grandpa cry in my entire life and tonight he was so different. The feeling in the air was one that was bittersweet. He received a blessing from Uncle Mike and the spirit was so strong in the room. I don't even recall what exactly was said but I do know that it was the truth. I have never cried-sobbed-bawled so hard in my life. I couldn't stop the tears from coming and I couldn't stop the sobs from escaping my body. I held my breath and tried to listen but I knew why we were there and I couldn't help but start to miss Grandpa before he had even left.

The blessing finished and I immediately left the room. I couldn't be there any longer. The room was closing in on me. Was this really happening? I kept telling myself that this could not be reality. I watched as Grandpa walked around the room and hugged his children. I watched him hold Aunt Kat and sob. I have never in my life experienced something like this. Grandma then was up to receive a blessing. The uncles asked Grandpa if he would be able to stand in the circle and the next thing they knew he was the one giving the blessing. What strength my grandpa has.

I cried and cried tonight to the point where I didn't think I would be able to have any liquid left in my body but it still seems there is some left as I sit and write this. I am happy and sad all in one. I am so grateful for the gospel. It is a gem that I will forever be grateful for. The plan of salvation is real.  Through this knowledge I know that I will see my Grandpa again when it comes time for him to leave this Earthly life. I cannot and could not ask for a better role model and hero than Grandpa.

This weekend I had the opportunity to go to a conference with a few other students from ASU. I was nervous as I left. The timing could not have been worse. I did not want to leave my grandparents but I had already committed to going and had a plane ticket booked. Before I left I hugged Grandpa and looked him in the eyes and said, "I WILL see you when I get back." As I left that Thursday night I worried but checked in the next day to find he was doing even better. Tonight as Grandpa was getting ready to sit in the chair for his blessing he stopped and looked at me and said, "I was expecting a phone  call from you letting me know you had gotten home." As I looked at his face I knew exactly what he meant. He waited for me. I am so grateful for my Grandpa. I am so lucky that I chose to come to be a part of this family. Families are forever. What a sweet blessing this is!

I know who you are. I've known who you were since the day you were born

I have had a lot of feelings and emotions this past week. Grandpa has been through a whole lot of ups and downs since the whole family got home from Mexico. Toward the beginning of the week he slept a lot, would wake up and not know where he was, and hardly was able to recognize us. This went on til Tuesday and when Wednesday finally came he was more "with it."

One thing I never want to forget that he said to me happened after school on that Wednesday. I came home and walked into the family room where my grandma and grandpa were sitting. My grandma asked my grandpa if he knew who I was and he looked at me and said, "No, who are you?" Stress and heartache immediately filled my body and I replied back in my best voice, "I'm Morgan, Grandpa. I live with you." His only response was, "Well when did that happen?" He showed a little grin but I was already too sad to know whether or not he really knew who I was. I shook it off and got ready to go to sister's volleyball game. I walked back out into the family room to Grandpa and hugged and kissed him. He opened his eyes and I looked at him and said, "Grandpa, do you really not know who I am?" He looked at me as best as he could and replied, "I know who you are. I've known who you were since the day you were born."

That statement never rang more true to me than at any other moment in my life. Our Father in heaven knows us. He never forgets us. He loves us and wants us to be happy. I testify that we are children of our Heavenly Father who only desires the best for us. God is patient and kind and all we have to do is get on our knees and pray to be able to communicate with Him. Never forget that you are loved. Never forget that you are special. Never let anyone else tell you different.

just when all hope was lost..

i haven't been having the easiest semester to say the least. as the world keeps turning i feel stuck, lost, and sometimes forgotten. my motivation and drive are lacking. my capacity to care for others has been maxed out and i am forgetting to take care of and love myself. at times i feel alone, like the whole weight of the world is on my shoulders. i tell myself awful lies like, "you'll never be good enough", "no one wants you", "you are far from perfect." i hurt and i cry and then i realize that i am destroying myself. i am allowing myself to become the person i don't want to be and i am the only person that can change that. i sell myself short often-falling to others standards when i then realize that i know one of the most amazing people to walk the face of the earth and it's not worth being dumb and selling myself short. 

today as i woke up, i rolled over, opened up my lap top and checked my email in case of any cancelled classes. as my inbox loaded onto the screen my favorite name popped onto the screen, "Bryant." I have never missed a week of emailing him and when I saw that there was an email already in my inbox I knew that i missed my opportunity to email him first. 

Bryant Lars, someday when you come home I hope I can sit down next to you and tell me how much it meant to me getting that email today. The effort that you just put into writing me when I dropped the ball because I stayed out too late made me the happiest girl in the world. You said some of the nicest things and as I read your email for the 5th time I couldn't help but cry and how much love I felt from you even without the "L" bomb being dropped.  B, you are my best friend. the love of my life. most amazing missionary ever. Every day I hope and pray that you will be mine one day. You are the most perfect man I have ever met and as I sit and think about my relationships with other people I come in contact with I 100% know that you are what I want. We never had to talk about other people to have fun. You always included others. You always put others first. I love you, and even though we're on different continents, speaking different languages, and living two separate lives you are always in my heart and mind. You make me happy and I will never forget that!

judged.

the truth of the matter is, one of my biggest fears that i face on a daily basis is being judged by others. it has always been something that has bothered me and i have struggled with. it amazes me at how much this fear consumes my mind. this year for school i have had to take the light rail to get to the downtown campus. every morning/afternoon i feel like i get on the light rail and everyone stares at me. it honestly makes me quite uncomfortable.

why should i care what people think about me? what does it matter? in the grand scheme of things, what other people think of me really doesn't matter. i have a loving heavenly father who loves me and the most amazing family on the planet. as my sister would say in regards to someone judging/talking about her, "at least they are talking about me and i'm on their mind." how great it would be if i could be like that. i wish that people wouldn't be so harsh when judging others because they do not understand others intentions unless they have talked to them first hand. they don't understand the full story and they never will unless they get to truly know that person. i want to work on myself every day so that i will not be caught up in the stupid little things of judgment. all you need is love, people. all you need is love.

one of those days.

it has just been "one of those days." the kind where you can't get away from any thoughts in your mind and you think all day long. the kind where you miss the memories. the kind where you wish you were better at things in your life.

today, it's been four months since this guy has been on his mission. he is loving it more than i ever imagined he would. he is truly in the right place and as hard as that seems, i am so proud. he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. never in a million years did i ever think i would doubt that he may come home and not want me but let me tell you, satan works in magical ways. you see, it obviously hasn't been very long since he has been gone (that is, for everyone else but me) but my every thought seems to be consumed with questions. will he want me when he comes home? does he even care about me? do i even deserve something so great?

the answers to those questions will come in due time, i know they will. patience is a virtue and i definitely struggle with that. in my heart i know that i mean more to him than i let myself believe. i know that he is the most focused missionary in the field. i know that he will come home not having any regrets about giving his all out there because i know that is exactly what he is doing.

yeah, sometimes missing him consumes me but i know it's going to be worth it in the end. even after the countless tears and the loneliness i sometimes feel. this life is not just to be endured but rather to learn and grow along the way and even though the pain feels as though it's too much to bear, i know that i have a loving heavenly father who knows exactly how i am feeling and that is comforting to me.