I have been back to school for over a month now. It is surreal how fast and slow time can move at the same time. I look back to the lack of summer that I had due to school. I think of being with my family for two weeks and loving every minute of it. Then...I came back to Vegas. I got settled in and got started back with school and life went on. I hate to admit it, but I felt alone, lost, and confused. I discovered that "home" is truly where your heart is.
School became a chore. All I wanted was to be with my family and I couldn't do that if I was here in Vegas trying to pursue my dream. This feeling started rolling into every aspect of my life. The once strong, independent girl that moved out to embark on adventures of her own personal journey was fading quickly under all of the pressure. Life became too hard to bear and so, instead of caring I became numb to every situation in my life.
As the weeks have gone on I have battled through every obstacle and even though it has gotten better, it has been a struggle. It has felt as though one thing has piled on top of the other and my legs are getting tired from treading water for so long. There have been glimpses of light in the cracks along the way but as soon as I see it, it quickly fades into the darkness. I tried to start planning the rest of my life under all of the pressure of school while keeping everyone else's plans in mind. I was making decisions for myself to plan the rest of my life out and then I got a huge reality check. Monday I received the email I never expected. It told me that I would not be receiving an email for the next 9 months and told me that I shouldn't write them either. After having thought I had been numb to this situation I was in for the last 4 months when I stopped getting as many emails, I realized that this was not the case and that my heart was broken.
Life happens. It happens whether you are making choices that will bring you happiness or choices that will bring you sorrow. It happens whether you want it to or you don't. It happens whether or not you have a plan for yourself. At this point in my life I have come to realize some of the most precious principles through the loneliness and sadness that I have felt.
1. Happiness is a choice. "Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light." -Dumbledore
2. No matter what choices you have made, God will continue to love you. He knows your name, he knows YOU better than you know yourself.
3. The choices you make always have consequences, whether they are good or bad.
I know that through my Heavenly Father and His son I can be made whole. I know this truth through and through, but it takes time. So, instead of making plans for my life based on everyone else's plans, I am going to trust in God and know that I will be taken care of through the pain, sadness, and sorrows--one day I will feel whole again.
